Today

Today, I felt trapped by my own patterns. Being idle made me closed and annoyed, and everything seemed like waste. It wasn’t living. It was processing, like a computer.

I miss Kate. Last weekend, while on ecstasy, Dane told me Alan is here. He wanted me to believe him so badly. I don’t know if I didn’t.

Heaven, continued existence, the hardest question - I have no idea. Following anything is so difficult. I feel clueless about almost everything. Ideas and rules seem confusing and paradoxical.

I need to focus more on sensations. Regress into an animal. My food is spicy. An oakish, blurred spice that lingers lightly and consistently. But now I’ve categorized my experience. There are shelves and boxes of labeled experiences in my brain. I’m trying to make sense of this insane place.

Everything is so different, yet similar. Everything is free, yet forced. I build and build and build with time, energy, self identify, addiction, for something new. But, in doing so, I sacrifice.

I say, “I hate money”. But that’s not it. I hate my love for money. I’ve never had trouble making it. My unquenchable want for more leaves me powerless.

If money is freedom, then why do I feel trapped working for it? Does obtaining freedom trap me?

I’ll reiterate my earlier focus. I will focus on sensation, the here and now. People that do that are so attractive. They have energy and magic within them. They are unstoppable. My quest in life is to become more and more like them. To love life upward. To not become stagnant. I am worth more than that.