I am a failure.
I could’ve tried harder.
I could’ve loved more.
But, I’m selfish.
Now, you’ve lost.
Perhaps not.
I will never know.
That possibility is ugly and tormenting.
Risking everything because of inconvenience.
Beautiful being.
You truly are.
You deserve more than I am.
I’m sorry.
My feelings change nothing.
I’m sorry.
Not sorry enough.
If I were, you would be here.
I hate this.

1 comment:

Momo said...

You are the farthest thing from selfish. There will always be something to give up, something to lose. Realizing that a situation is not working for you, Kate, and others is not selfish. Giving up your weekends, the things that make you happy, your freedom, for Kate would not make things better and it wouldn't necessarily be less selfish. You give up your weekends: I lose and you lose, and Kate may not even be happier (but you will surely be grumpier and less pleasant for everyone to be around). You leave things how they were, your risk SO MUCH to gain very little joy. You love Kate, but I don't see her bringing you joy very much. And Kate...is wonderful and spirited and full of life, but she is more attached to roaming than to a family I think. Maybe I am wrong. I just wish you would stop calling yourself selfish, because this is a losing situation and you would appear "selfish" no matter what your choice. Selfishness comes from your motivations, feelings, desires and thoughts. Usually actions follow from the things inside of us. When there is no "good" action, you have to see who a person is to know if they are selfish or not. You are not. Be sad, angry, lonely, etc. But don't be self hating. I understand how this emotion could arise, I understand venting. You are beautiful and kind and compassionate. You deserve so fully the same love and appreciation you give to other creatures. Don't withhold that from yourself.