Today

Today, I felt trapped by my own patterns. Being idle made me closed and annoyed, and everything seemed like waste. It wasn’t living. It was processing, like a computer.

I miss Kate. Last weekend, while on ecstasy, Dane told me Alan is here. He wanted me to believe him so badly. I don’t know if I didn’t.

Heaven, continued existence, the hardest question - I have no idea. Following anything is so difficult. I feel clueless about almost everything. Ideas and rules seem confusing and paradoxical.

I need to focus more on sensations. Regress into an animal. My food is spicy. An oakish, blurred spice that lingers lightly and consistently. But now I’ve categorized my experience. There are shelves and boxes of labeled experiences in my brain. I’m trying to make sense of this insane place.

Everything is so different, yet similar. Everything is free, yet forced. I build and build and build with time, energy, self identify, addiction, for something new. But, in doing so, I sacrifice.

I say, “I hate money”. But that’s not it. I hate my love for money. I’ve never had trouble making it. My unquenchable want for more leaves me powerless.

If money is freedom, then why do I feel trapped working for it? Does obtaining freedom trap me?

I’ll reiterate my earlier focus. I will focus on sensation, the here and now. People that do that are so attractive. They have energy and magic within them. They are unstoppable. My quest in life is to become more and more like them. To love life upward. To not become stagnant. I am worth more than that.

(you're flying)

Stretch your limps into a star shape.
Now imagine beams jutting through your tips, fingers and toes.
And out of your spine.
Now listen closely (you’re flying).
Tell me about the rush, the exertion, the adrenalin, the power.
Shout from your deep belly.
When have you felt so human?
The energy you have is unreal.
And, this never has to end (you’re flying).

Try hard to be a light switch. Turn off. Now. Now. Now.

Write poetry, dance, ponder, improvise and compose music, exert and stretch muscles, grow, paint, read, touch, fly, eat, kiss, explore, breathe deeply, smile softly, consume less, work less, lose fear, love.

Reject THE MAN or become him. Fuck profit. It destroys the human spirit. We have turned against ourselves, and thus, each other.

Together, as partners, we can discover our humanity.

human

Communication filtration complication

Emotion bottled intuition

Balance simplicity FORCED

This, present and powerful.

Thoughts pile into plans and ideas. Maybe I cannot lose myself? Loss seems acceptable now. The more I integrate this, the less fear impacts my life. A choice decided by fear, is truly not a choice.

We pressed into another, like stacked pillows.

Regardless, I will not forget. I cannot. And that is precious. Like stacked pillows, pressing so hard, becoming one feeling, experience, understanding. All we have is honesty.

Is this great tool our great downfall?

No, I feel more human, more valuable, more real.

This is Kate's last evening.

This was one the the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I love Kate. I never could provide her what she deserved. Kate deserved freedom. She was a beautiful animal, an intelligent animal, an independent animal. She was never meant to be domesticated. I feel awful about this ending. I guarantee you that she was happy. She ran freely the in the creek and returned home muddy and tired. She chased rabits for hours on end. As much as I tried to stop her, I could not stop her spirit. In her final two weeks, she climbed a 14,000 foot mountain, climbed the Manitou Incline Railway, and was taken to the dog park many times, where she was, by far, the most impressive Frisbee catching dog. People were in awe of Kate. She was always athletic and curious. She always provided comfort. She existed as animals should, free.

Kate

I am a failure.
I could’ve tried harder.
I could’ve loved more.
But, I’m selfish.
Now, you’ve lost.
Perhaps not.
I will never know.
That possibility is ugly and tormenting.
Risking everything because of inconvenience.
Asinine.
Beautiful being.
You truly are.
You deserve more than I am.
I’m sorry.
My feelings change nothing.
I’m sorry.
Not sorry enough.
If I were, you would be here.
I hate this.

Tesla

In his later years Tesla became a vegetarian. He wrote: "It is certainly preferable to raise vegetables, and I think, therefore, that vegetarianism is a commendable departure from the established barbarous habit." Tesla argued that it is wrong to eat uneconomic meat when large numbers of people are starving; he also believed that plant food was "superior to it [meat] in regard to both mechanical and mental performance". He also argued that animal slaughter was "wanton and cruel".

Nikola Tesla, "The Problem of Increasing Human Energy". Century Illustrated Magazine, June 1900.

The 4th of July

I hid my contorted smile -
As my face shot jagged, unforgiving angles.
And yours, bulbous and drooping -
Asked me to stop shouting and sit.
Like a prince.

A curious girl in a purple dress -
Asked what I thought.
If we could grind up old things -
Like doorknobs and old statues.
We melted into each other.

We train dogs -
To not be dogs -
But be simple humans.
We still keep them leashed -
In case the dog part takes over.

When you are nothing -
You can see everything.
Desire blinds us.
This world -
Waits to really be seen.

We continue to stretch sunbeams wide insomuch the world revolves beyond our consciousness that we value and refuse to measure like rulers using rulers who confuse the populace where complacently sits and stirs idle thoughts beyond reason to escape their estranged realty that paradoxically fills them with emptiness and glee.

Swirl and spin so our extremities feel pressure from condensed fluids as pressure increases gradually from the heart to the finger tips.

My dad can spin faster than your dad.