I notice her giggling. It’s as though she has forgotten reality or is oblivious. It makes me jealous. I want to ask her to coffee, but I stop myself. I usually over calculate.

What was her name? I don’t like the sound of Mary. Maybe it was Erica.

Father gives advice worth listening to. He understands my motivations and needs. I am like him. Which is good. My father is brilliant, caring and strong. Nights are hard and difficult, but I wouldn’t trade this life for any other.

Quite an odd relationship. I miss her. I miss her smile. I miss the way she would look at me. I miss her perception. I doubt she misses me. That is fine. My feelings are not based on her's. Things are not necessarily equal. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MY FEELINGS. FUCK YOU IF YOU JUDGE ME. She has somebody new. Wonderful and new. She can’t carry my issues. Nobody can. She is free. I am not. I will get there. Time…

I miss holding somebody. Having somebody in my arms. Somebody I care about. Somebody that cares about me. I crave unconditional love. There are people I can hold. I don’t want them.

It least I’m logical about it. I know what I have to do. I have to reject my cravings.

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