Digging

Was the last post too odd? That’s why nobody responded? Or too ridiculous? Too something… Pick your adjective. Perhaps not enough something?

What kind of reaction would even be posted? “Wow Nate, that was fuckin odd."

I force myself not to care. I typically search for self esteem through others. Never lasting. Never truly fulfilling.

I try not to care.

Most people are immoral. Fuck them. I’d rather them leave. Even in my deterministic ideology, I’ll judge people and prefer punishment. For revenge. Odd.

It’s simpler to sit along the sidelines. Watch everyone else on the sidelines. They watch me. Nothing happens. This realization brings me guilt. I feel guilty as I sit along the sidelines. I want to scream at them. But I stop myself. Not again. Just you wait.

I don’t think there is anything. I wish there was. My logic breeds pessimism. I see humans as programs merely reacting to each other. Reactions that at some core level boil down to survival. It seems to be mostly manipulation.

Genes are spread based on this. That is it. That is why we’re here. It’s empty. Humanity will destroy itself. That is fine. All of this typing means nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I’ve always wanted a deeper meaning. I’m proud of my work. It’s been my path. That’s why I’m proud. I’m disappointed with my findings. How deep is this hole? I’m still digging. My momentary endorphins keep me digging.

Don’t fall in with me. I guess I care.