20090510
glob of grayish paint
I had an epiphany. Logically I can justify an entirely material world, a material brain, hard determinism, and the importance of being objective. Maybe this is correct. However, intuitively, I don’t know if it’s that simple. I feel communication happening on a deeper level that perhaps cannot be faked or explained. Maybe we cannot effectively communicate clearly if we pretend to have an attitude we do not. Perhaps our intuition of liars and cheats is often correct and based on a feeling. Can I tell if authenticity is there with or without logical explanation (body language, tone, word choice)? My intuitiveness questions my previous deep beliefs. But would that truly comfort me? Because, I still cannot know. Why pretend? This is a new perspective. I wish to approach life from that side of the spectrum now. Why focus so heavily in defining ourselves? Does our need to define ourselves come from our need to gain a perceived power over our environment? Or am I falling into my logic trap? There are always more colors we can see, more values to understand, and more values to be discarded. Through time will I become numb to this? More pain? More pleasure? I will live 5 lives with my time here. Or will my life blend into a giant glob of grayish paint?
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Contemplating. Any new idea I personally come across, I ask myself: What is the potential cost? What is the potential benefit? What can be gained? What must be lost? We reach for every new idea with a full hand. To grasp the new idea we must drop the old. To hold on to both simultaneously is to drop them both. To juggle back and forth is to lose the self. Who are you? Can you even know anymore. Will this idea save the essence of humanity or in collective practice does it destroy what it means to be a working part of the larger organism. We are a part of the whole of life, just as we are made of competing colonies of cells working together, (an individual heart cell, an individual lung cell, a individual liver cell, the distinct mitochondria within those cells, etc) so is a individual human a cell within the larger organ of humanity, in the larger body of the Earth. Does a new idea, place or thing add a tangible lasting benefit beyond mere novelty, or will it be a waste of time, eventually forgotten, or worse; could this new idea harm the mitochondria, the cells, the organ, the body, the collective, the life of Earth; the only known outpost for dust that thinks. Being a gray streak among many is far preferable to being the black death that stands stark in the face of reason. Dying or killing life, through malice or neglect, for the sake of an unproven idea. Defying the subconscious and unconscious mind with petty sensation; a word: fun. Fun conquers logic through the false psychology of sensation. Life is more important than "it feels good to do this". To do anything requires more planning than the current destructive cultural cycle permits. We have the social contract to uphold. Society says it created you. Society says it can destroy you. Society gives a false choice between culture and death by separation from culture. Culture says you must pay society back for giving you life with a life of servitude; constant upkeep that drains the spirit, leaving an empty and broken shell where there was once a human full of potential and worthy of existence. I've seen it in my own parents and grandparents as they stare vacantly into the mirrors of society. The lenses that focus empty ideas onto receptive psyches. Traps to separate the truly alive from the meaningless dead. Destruction begets destruction and the worst tragedy of all is self destruction at the hands of a irresponsible culture. Better for the creative mind is to deconstruct the ideas that make society. Society is not a single individual. It isn't any individual. Society is a collection of ideas. Psychological trips that are not self sustaining without real human sacrifice. Damaged individuals haunt the idealism of our present culture. How many more have to die before we wake up and say enough. Enough death for the sake of bigger, stronger, more beautiful, faster, farther, taller, more exciting. Progress is a myth, a distraction if all progress means is the breaking of natural boundaries at the sake of human suffering. Human suffering is ignored for the sake of image. Imaginary ideas that are designed not to be understood. The gatekeepers understand, the supposed controllers of ideas and they reap the benefits of human sacrifice. They are the real cancer. Actually it is the worthless ideas that are cancer. They think that their meaningless ideas give them control but it is their meaningless ideas that control them. A man cannot own an idea. The idea owns the man. We end up slaves to meaningless vanity. All this does is distance ourselves from the truth and more importantly from each other. We tested the boundaries of our pride and found there were no boundaries. We built towers of babel in our souls. If we take honest deconstructive looks at ourselves many of us cannot understand how our psyches, our mind/bodies fit together. It used to be intuitive. Now we cannot even understand our own intuition. Take the pieces apart, ask yourself why and whether ego upkeep for the sake of society is worth the cost of time wasted on vanity. A more complex tragedy is destruction by wasted potential. The potential of millions goes out the window to benefit vain ideas. Ideas that state in plain fact but certainly a false truth that one man is worth a million, or even a billion others. No single human is worth two men. One man should not have more power than two working together. No singular, or collected idea is worth a life. No human should be sacrificed for any idea. Why is human sacrifice somehow noble if done for the "right" idea? Who can say what is wrong? Who can say what is right. Who can say if a feeling is more than a feeling. If a hunch is more than a hunch. If a lie was repeated so many times it practically came true by faith alone. What is true is the human cost for the sake of false ideas. Nobility is a lie; a psychological trap that destroys life for the sake of worthless ideas and wasted emotions. Valor, pride, courage; is it courageous to do what culture expects you to do? Or is the real courage to do what is right despite what you have been taught. Time is the only currency that matters. My time on Earth is the only idea I know to be true, the rest is dust. Why would I spend a second collecting dust. Don't waste a creative spirit on ideas that have been done before that have led nowhere, no matter how tempting the lies of sensation. Understand why you do something before you do it. Perceive the hidden will of the inner self, but do not be afraid to discard the container. Culture is a container. Counterculture is another container. There is a cliche that goes: think outside of the box. I say to you: Live outside the box and have pity on those still chained up inside. A label has power because we give it power over reality. We are the only reality. Reality isn't a dictionary. A man cannot be numbered according to his usefulness to society. We are all equally useful. A wasted resource is a waste of life's limited energy. Humankind and by extension life on Earth is the only resource worth obtaining. Why destroy it for any idea? The stale ideas that take the place of contemplation do nothing, but limit the potential of our everlasting future. Almost everyone assumes that all humans will be dead in a million years. Why can't we assume the opposite? That humanity, as long as there is light in the universe, will never die. Mass suicide by distraction is not the answer. There are real problems and with every individuals combined focus and concentration we will find real solutions. Life has revealed itself to be like a puzzle. When all the pieces of the universe are fit the truth will be self evident. Discard the old destructive and limiting dogmas that ruled your life. Don't you have any control over them? Do we not have free will? Experience the possibility first in the eye of the consciousness. Ruminate on the essence of life before sleep and let you unconscious work on it too. Know that your mind is not your brain but the arrangement of all the cells of your body, including the brain. Your mind/body is built by DNA and shaped by space and time. You carry the minds of your ancestors. Does not a child in the womb share in its mothers dreams? When the mother is anxious does this not then effect the activity of the developing child? Hopes and fears transcend generations through the connection in the womb. We are all born from the past. In disassociating from the present we gain access to the future. The present takes care of itself. We must will the future into being. The past is gone. The present already exists without our help. We must give birth to the future to give life to the universe. Still contemplating.
Perhaps we lose a clear definition of ourselves if we juggle contradicting ideas. I vote democrat, but is the idea of forced giving through taxation ethical? I don’t know what I am now…Why is that bad? Why let an ideal control you. I refuse to be defined. Perhaps the only tattoo I should get would be a purely aesthetic one. Do I need a reminder of what I “should be” 15 years from now. It puts people at ease. Gives me fake control in this world, which cannot be controlled. At least if I still buy into determinism. Maybe I’ll just have tendencies that occur more often than not . Like not eating meat. That is an important tendency. However, is it beneficial to accept ideas merely on their utilitarian value? How can we even measure that utilitarian value when sensation is involved? Doesn’t sensation hold value? Or do we discredit it automatically only because we cannot weigh it. I have a sensation score of 13. I see reds much brighter than you, I assure you. If I say it with enough conviction, you might believe me. After all, I do want to be special, but only special in a way that would make you jealous. The same way you might wish to be special. I just want what you want. Lets bounce the reflection until we die. Bellbottoms are coming back. Somehow, I don’t buy into it. I’ll remain vegan.
Perhaps this is our drug? The meaning of our existential existence.
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