within this limited time you will awaken and see me here,
you will wonder how i remain-
awake for so long
our eye contact will be brief
followed by your request for my retreat
why do i do this?
why do i continue to battle this?
perhaps i'm different.
this doesn't seem difficult
it feels like gold. it feels like strained gold.
no worries. soon enough i'll be sleeping.
forever.
as you will.
perhaps that is my reason.
why waste such a preciousness?
i've wasted before.
mostly on others.
for myself, i cannot burden.
let my eyes stare forward.
10 more minutes
20120121
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i really wish I could read what was written down while I type this, so that way I could share the thought pattern that went through the fibers in your brain when you wrote this.
However, the moments that caught me where when you asked
Why do I do this to myself?
and
soon I will be sleeping forever
If there's anything I've learned about death, it is that it is release, it is total bliss and it is associated with the spiritual realm that we return to when we sleep, AKA death is immortality.
But death is a long ways away. Although time seems like a number, yeah, ill probably live 80 years, the amount of time I will feel from now until I die is INFINITE, just like it feels like eternity when you're in a classroom and you would rather be somewhere in a field because you literally found out something that makes you want to avoid people, forever, and find your own peace.
But sleeping forever?
what is death? I think it's a pretty short walkway into eternity. I've heard rumors at phish shows that love like that lasts beyond us and our particles. But it never meant as much to me as when I saw a little girl who was 12 passed out during a phish show who wore a hoodie that said "forever" on it.
And she was sleeping too.
And at the time, the moment stood out to me, but I understand why it did now. it was the garden grove mentality, she was the little sister or best girl friend I never had, the girlfriend that loved me so much that she always said the best things about me and when we spoke of eachother, we spoke like the song of heavens, or anything that resembled true LOVE.
This was after I had already enacted my own passage of struggle, but still, I enacted the knowledge that women are a temptation. And in a way life has thrown temptations at me, has provided manifestations of women that may be interested in me but really, they don't nor will they ever love me.
So i guess seeing a 12 year old girl sleeping at a phish show while I was doing my thing was the garden grove looking back at me and saying, it's still here. I'm still here. And I can look at that thought and think, well, love exists somewhere, but it might not be here. But when I find the day when we're all on the beach, and when we walk to speak with each other, we all talk with ourselves, the divine, the creators, us, the god of our own lives.
And I know that the garden grove is still there somewhere, and I'll fight for that innocence and love until the day I die.
Do we sleep forever, together? When I fall asleep, am I dying? Or am I living? Will we return to one harmonious consciousness that knows of none of the things that have damaged our souls? Or changed our souls from the difference of others?
I think that's for you to decide, but when I go to sleep, or when I think about death and you and me, I don't think about the pain or any confusion, I think of the fact that we will be one one day. And nathan if we can be one together then that's all a little brother could ask of not just his family but also the good guy up top in the sky who's making sure that everything is gravy.
And when we die, we're going to heaven dude. there's a golden door for all of us somewhere.
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